We don’t care about anything - except T-shirts

What a weekend.

Monday, September 5, 2005 16:19

I went to go visit some family that I hadn’t seen in a long time over the holiday weekend, and if I never see Oklahoma again, it’ll be too soon. Driving out of Dallas, depending on which direction you head, you can be at the Red River which divides Texas and Oklahoma in right at an hour. And that’s about how long it takes in any direction to be in the middle of nowhere and it seems impossible that there is a 4.5 million population metro area anywhere close to you. This scene pretty much goes the same in any state, but for this particular story, Oklahoma happens to be the setting…

Driving out of the city, maybe hunting season just opened or something, I dunno, but I see an unusual amount of camouflage and trucks with “deer stands” (I think that’s what they’re called) in the back or on trailers. Before you jump my ass, I’ve got no problem if you wanna go kill an animal and eat it… just don’t call it a sport, unless there’s some sport involved in it. This argument I’ve had before runs through my head as I’m passing these guys and little stores advertising “deer corn”:

Me (TJ): So, you put out a feeder that dispenses corn each night for the deer, right?
the Hunter (H): yeah.
TJ: They get used to it and keep coming back for more, right?
H: yeah.
TJ: Then… you go sit in a big camouflaged box and wait for ‘em?
H: yeah.
TJ: Then when you see the one you want, you poke you gun out the hole and bust on it?
H: yeah.
TJ: And you call that sport?
H: yeah.
TJ: You don’t track it down and jump on it and slit it’s throat or anything?
H: Shit no, man! Those deer’ll fuck you up. Aintcho ever seen that show When Animals Attack where that deer kicks the shit outta that dude and stomps on him?!
TJ: hmmmm. okay. Sounds more like a sniper to me, but whatever…
Maybe I’m not getting it, but okay. I’ll just get my fresh meat from Whole Foods.

Then as you get to even more sparsely populated areas, it seems like you always see a seedy looking porn shop covered in neon signs that say XXX, Adult or Arcade, right next to the billboard that says something like “Pregnant? Don’t know what to do? So-and-so church is here to help.” Well, there’s a few things you can always count on being present in a tiny town: porn, God and tweakers…

Another interesting thing I saw along the way was a house with at least a dozen truck beds in the yard for sale. I’m guessing they local rednecks get tanked every weekend and crash their “pickups” into trees totalling the front half, but leaving the back half relatively unharmed. Where else would all these be coming from? And who needs to buy the back halves if they keep fucking up the fronts? There must not be enough traffic in town to rear-end anybody…

Then, perhaps one of the most amazingly bizarre things I have ever seen in my life, as I’m pulling into this shithole town, err… my destination, populated by racists, tweakers and people who cook dope in their bathrooms and piss in their closets, is the mother of all mobile homes. Two story, circular driveway, columns, a fountain (I think), the whole nine yards. Fucking unbelievable. I got a picture of it, but it’s on someone else’s camera. I’ll post it as soon as I get a copy.

But only in America, man. Only in America [would somebody pimp out a big metal building like a mansion]. And not just in Oklahoma. So don’t laugh. You probably don’t have to drive too far to see this kind of shit either…

So the point of all of this? Just the TeeJunkie’s adventure over this national holiday here in the States… a nice little red, white and blue tee by Mato to show our patriotic spirit…

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